I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
