bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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