It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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