Can i not drive my cunt home
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
