We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
