Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize