Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
