Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
