there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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