i barfeds in our rink
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.