There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.