It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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