I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
