So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
