Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
