I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
