She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
only you would photoshop your dick
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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