when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
