tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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