Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
