she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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