yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
