Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
