The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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