my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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