I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
vagina is talking i cant
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
