My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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