dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
