nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
