I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦â€
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
