i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
