you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
