i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
