this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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