You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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