I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
