I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
