textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You smell like stripper and shame
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Randomize
