??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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