I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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