remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
