Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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