before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
