Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
