One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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