I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
