I feel like I'm in dance class right now
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
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