i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
