I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
