i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
