Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
