It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
