First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
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