i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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