i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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