The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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